TBD #2 - How to Get Off His Checklist

The conversation first happened at our marriage retreat at Inspiration Point. It was unexpected, but a pivotal moment in realizing why it felt like we started drifting apart. We had just completed a session titled “Love Fades,” about how to overcome isolation in your marriage, and why you seem to drift apart. We were working on a “project” as it was called post-session, to dive deeper into our marriage with a series of discussion questions. Our conversation took an unexpected turn as I felt tears start to creep up to my eyes (those darn tears…). I didn’t fully know what I felt, or why I was feeling that way, but after an hour of conversation we began to unpack what was going on. Here is the (jumbled, woman-speak) thought process that happened:

I truly appreciated all that Justin did for me to show me his love, and to fill my love tank. I knew how hard he had been working to make sure I was a priority, as well as making sure I was feeling cherished. However. After a long day which led to a long week of work, his actions were feeling less…genuine. He was going through all the actions I had voiced were part of my needs, but I also sensed his mind was elsewhere. I uttered the words as tears came down, “I feel like I’m just another item on your checklist.” There was the “aha” moment for both of us. The root behind my recent attitude toward our marriage. So what were we going to do? Honestly, this is still an ongoing conversation between the two of us, but for the time being, here is my perspective towards how to get off his checklist…

One simple fix for making sure his mind isn’t elsewhere after work, is to let him have a moment of decompression, whether that means watching a YouTube video, listening to the book he is currently reading, or even sitting on the couch to simply do nothing. I am aware that I am a person that has a lot of words (as you’ve probably noticed…), so this is something that I still struggle with remembering, especially after a day where I haven’t left the house, and the only interaction I’ve gotten is with our cats. If I want Justin to truly pay attention to what I am saying, I need to respect his time to turn off work mode before expecting to have a meaningful conversation.

Another tip I have acquired is giving Justin affirmation over denunciation. Since getting married, more than anything else I’ve begun to learn what my needs are. Ironically, most of the times I’ve learned what my needs are have occurred when they were not being met. So me, being the good wife that I am, would share in the moment that realization happened as I was still processing and in an emotional state. Bad life choice, Miriam. The intent was good, because I wanted to have completely open communication, however, the application had a poor impact. When I thought it was good to let Justin know my needs as they weren’t being met so he could improve, it came across that he was being a failure as a husband, which was never what I intended.

In The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life/The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life, Susan Devries shares, “Men are…wired to respond to the positive feedback that comes from the decisions they make. There are few things more powerful a wife can do to motivate her husband than to let him know that his actions and his words are making a difference.” I read this, yet still found myself “sharing my needs,” and it took a few hard conversations with Justin to finally figure this out. I am still working on this, but I do know saying “I am so proud to be your wife” will go much further than “I feel like recently I haven’t been a priority of yours.” If I want more of the little things, I need to let Justin know when I notice them, so he knows his efforts are not going to waste.

At the end of the day, I realized that a lot of my issues were not with how Justin was acting, but rather, it was an issue of my own heart. The only things we can control are our attitudes and actions, and if I felt unvalued or discontent, it was because I was trying to have Justin fill my God-sized gaps. It is God’s peace that transcends understanding, and it is God’s love that is unconditional, unchangeable, and unfathomable. Not my husband’s. Once you start going down the path of seeing the negative things, that is all you will notice. Similarly, if you CHOOSE (because it is a choice) to have an attitude of gratitude, you will be surprised how much you have been blessed with, and how many things you can be grateful for.

Even though this is still an ongoing conversation, I truly believe these past couple of weeks have drawn Justin and I much closer, and we’ve been able to get back to those conversations we first had when we were dating. I have been more aware of the words I use, and how they can uplift and empower my husband to lead our household the way he is called to lead. Ladies, today I challenge you to try having an “attitude adjustment,” even for just a few weeks. See how powerful your words are, and how much of a difference they can make on your husbands. Also, look to Jesus if ever you find yourselves feeling less treasured or valued. Share with him your hurts before you share with your husband where he messed up again, and pray that the Lord would change your husband’s heart, as well as your own. It may not seem “fair” to be the one that has to change first, but the only things in life you can control are your attitudes and your actions. See how much more willing your husband will be to fulfill your needs when you shift to cheer him on, and “catch him” doing good.

I pray this encourages you today, whether husband or wife, to see how much more beautiful your marriage can be once you let God take back the steering wheel. Sometimes, all it takes is one small step in the right direction.

For the perspective of my wonderful husband, feel free to hop over to thisjustin.today!